I am excited to have lost 42 lbs and counting. As I work through certain numbers on the scale I revisit some unpleasant memories from my past. Therapists say muscle holds memories, I say fat smothers memories.
The last time I weighed 270lbs, my daughter was 6 months old. I had just got my drivers license reinstated, which is why that is the weight listed on my drivers license. 270lbs was also the last number I remember before the "big blow up" where I gained all the way to 326 lbs. So what memories was I smothering? The memories of an abusive relationship that I walked away from at 0400 one morning in Augus 2002, carrying my 2 1/2 month old infant daughter and whatever possesions fit into my red back pack. I was in Oregon at the time, and I knew my parents were on their way to come pick us up.
In the immediate weeks and months of walking out of that place, my bruises, bones and joints healed . My psyche however remained bruised. I still say that the psychological abuse was the hardest to overcome. The guy, who was supposedly my best friend, loved to tell me that I wasn't really a woman. I was "just Sharon." That was his justification for hitting me. He didn't hit women, but he hit Sharon.Over time, that statement, and others like it took root inside my head, and became the little voice that fed my insecurities.
That was 8 years ago, and I am so thankful that the Lord brought me out of that situation. Yet in trying to cope and deal with life I gained weight. As I lose weight I revisit some of those memories, they just pop up to the surface when I least expect it. I am better able to cope now. I have the strength and mental toughness to dismiss that hideous voice. Part of me has dreaded reaching other weights into the 260's and 250's especially as that is the range I was in when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was very sick , going through the abuse and coping with the fact that the my daughter's "father" had left within hours of finding out that I was pregnant. I won't let these memories keep me from reaching my goals, nor will I attempt to smother them again. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. I know this is all a part of my journey to get fit, and I can only learn and grow from it.
You, my dear Sharon, are a warrior! You got out of that horrible situation with the help of God. As you continue to lose weight and get your health back on track, you will succeed if you look towards your heavenly Papa for love and acceptance.
ReplyDelete"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~ Marianne Williamson
Your friend,
Judy