Rough Week

This past week was a really rough week for me. I think some of it was due to continued PMS, my poor hormones are out of whack. I hope it is because I am losing belly fat, which they say secretes hormones. I am not sure of the other reasons. I had a rough weekend at work last weekend, and it felt so good to just relax at home. I only had 2 workouts this week. I struggled with my eating plan. I have felt so blah plus resisting temptation gets old really fast when one couples PMS with added holiday food distractions. It wasn't even sweets that I was craving. I have read that around "that time of the month" a woman really does need to increase her carbs. I don't have real guidence on the issue. My mentor is a man, and I think I scare him just a little when I bring up the topic! My daughter is also on winter break, and in the past we usually go out to Applebee's at least once when she is on break. Unfortunately my scheduled "cheat" day is during the weekend when I am out of town working, so we didn't have that ritual restaurant experience. Is she suffering because of it? No. I do plan to switch my "cheat " day to during the week, so we can go out to eat together during the week. We won't go out every week, but it will be nice to have that option. I will wait until the Holiday Challenge that I am currently participating in is over before changing my days around.  I didn't give in to temptation, although yesterday (Saturday) I was over my calories , carbs and fats for the day. I did end up having quite a few servings of walnuts and pecans mixed with semi sweet chocolate chips. My own trail mix blend.

I did feel like I  easily irritated. My mentor would send pictures of his meals which often included some form of dessert, or he would write and tell me about what yummy foods he was indulging in at that moment. All the while I am sittinghere trying to hold onto my sanity while resisting temptations. I felt it was insensitive. At the same time, I couldn't really get mad at him because any other time it doesn't bother me when he does that.

I also get frustrated with certain compliments. A favorite saying of my dad is " Sharon is trying to get skinny. Before you know it, she will be getting married." I feel like he is saying that I am not married because of my size. There is no correlation between size and marriage!!! Trust me, there are plenty of men out there that are attracted to bigger women. It is not due to lack of male attention that I am not married. Nor is it related to my size now or in the past. There are several factors that play into the fact that I am single. The main fact being that I enjoy being single! I am not going to gain weight to prove this fact wrong . If and when I get married, it will be because the Lord sends a man into my life at the right moment. As of now, that hasn't happened. It may never happen, and that is fine with me!

The good news is I have continued to lose weight and fat! I am down to 267lbs. I hit the 45lb lost mile stone!! WOO HOO!! My fat percentage has gone down as well. I am happy about that. I do need to get new clothes. I look so frumpy in my scrubs for work. My casual clothes are really baggy as well. Shopping will be a challenge as I am still losing weight, so I don't want to spend tons of money on clothes that will soon be too big.

I am going to have a better week this week!

Smothered Memories

I am excited to have lost 42 lbs and counting. As I work through certain numbers on the scale I revisit some unpleasant memories from my past. Therapists say muscle holds memories, I say fat smothers memories.

The last time I weighed 270lbs, my daughter was 6 months old. I had just got my drivers license reinstated, which is why that is the weight listed on my drivers license. 270lbs was also the last number I remember before the "big blow up" where I gained all the way to 326 lbs. So what memories was I smothering? The memories of an abusive relationship that I walked away from at 0400 one morning in Augus 2002, carrying my 2 1/2 month old infant daughter and whatever possesions fit into my red back pack. I was in Oregon at the time, and I knew my parents were on their way to come pick us up. 

 In the immediate weeks and months of walking out of that place, my bruises, bones and joints healed . My psyche however remained bruised. I still say that the psychological abuse was the hardest to overcome. The guy, who was supposedly my best friend, loved to tell me that I wasn't really a woman. I was "just Sharon." That was his justification for hitting me. He didn't hit women, but he hit Sharon.Over time, that statement, and others like it took root inside my head, and became the little voice that fed my insecurities.

That was 8 years ago, and I am so thankful that the Lord brought me out of that situation. Yet in trying to cope and deal with life I gained weight. As I lose weight I revisit some of those memories, they just pop up to the surface when I least expect it.  I am better able to cope now. I have the strength and mental toughness to dismiss that hideous voice. Part of me has dreaded  reaching other weights into the 260's and 250's especially as that is the range I was in when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was very sick , going through the abuse and coping with the fact that the my daughter's "father" had left within hours of finding out that I was pregnant.  I won't let these memories keep me from reaching my goals, nor will I attempt to smother them again. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. I know this is all a part of my journey to get fit, and I can only learn and grow from it.

My 47 calorie meal

 This Monday was my first lower calorie day in my new eating plan. My goal was to eat 1,200 cals for the whole day. I hadn't really planned for it. I just did it, so by dinner time I only had 47 calories left. I was bound and determined not to go over. I did some thinking, then tapped into my favorite app, MyFitnessPal mobile app. I ended up with a delicious and filing dinner for only 47 calories. I had 2 egg whites which I did season. I put in a serving (20) slices of jalapeno from a jar, and topped it off with 2 tbs of salsa. I enjoyed every bite!
I was so proud of myself! I am getting the hang of tracking and figuring out my meals. Since I have changed how I eat I feel more focused. I have tons more energy to the point that it is sometimes difficult to sleep, but I will get past that. My mind feels clearer. I am loving the changes in my body. All of those things combined increased my determination to crush this holiday challenge and to see how far I can go towards my  other goals. It isn't simply a "diet" it is a lifestyle change.

Week 1 Results for Holiday Challenge

Thursday marked the end of week 1 of the holiday challenge . I lost 3.6 lbs.  I am happy that I am off to a great start. My friend John has given me a lot of advice about my workouts and revamping my whole diet. I had the most intense workouts today and really burned a lot of calories. I am tired.

I Survived The Weekend!

This past weekend was my first weekend at work since I have changed my eating and joined the challenge. I was partially dreading it. I work 3 12 hour shifts in a row and in order to keep up with my new eating plan requires meal planning. I wasn't comfortable with the concept, but all I could do was give it a shot. Also, I work in a city that is 3 hours away, so planning for food during the drive posed an additional challenge. (I drive down on Fri, stay with my sister for the weekend and drive home on Mon.)
I must admit it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I have become a pro at lettuce wraps! I use the myfitnesspal mobile app to keep track of what I am eating and also to look up foods that I want to eat. I even got out my calculator to figure out how many carb grams I could have at each meal/snack to stay within my goal. It has been fun because it is new. Once I looked at it like that, it wasn't hard at all. I even came up with my own variations of a few things, and they were delicious!! The hard part has been taking in enough calories! One of the "new" variation is a take on cottage cheese salad. The original recipe my family uses has cottage cheese, Cool Whip, jello and fruit cocktail. My variation is a serving of cottage cheese with a snack cup of sugar free jello mixed into it. yummy!
My "Cheat" day is on Sunday. I went a little nuts on bread. lol. I am working to incorporate more bread throughout the week so I don't feel so deprived by Sunday.
I must give a shout out to my awesome work friends. We have a Saturday morning tradition where we go to a local Mexican restaurant and have huge margaritas and breakfast after working all night Friday night. When I shared my diet and fitness goals my one friend said: "You can still come and eat bacon and eggs!" I had a blast even if I was alcohol free.
As I reflect on this past weekend, I am amazed at my determination. The hardest part of the process is psychological. I am determined to succeed. I hit my workouts as hard as I can and I make the necessary dietary adjustments . I tell myself everyday that I am transforming my body! I am convinced I can feel myself shrinking!

Thanksgiving

I am so thankful that I have a wonderful, supportive famliy. I went to Thanksgiving Dinner at my parents. I didn't take my food scale because I didn't want to be rude. When I mentioned this to my mom, she said that she had one. Then she proceeded to get the scale out so I could weigh my food! It was awesome.

I am also thankful that I was able to resist most of the carb heavy foods. I only had a quarter cup of my sisters yummmy mac and cheese and 1 1/2 slices of pound cake. I ended up putting peanut butter on the cake. It was really good. I wasn't even tempted by the various desserts.

I actually ended up under calories again for the day! I was slightly over on carbs and just under range for proteins, but I will get there. I also had a great workout before going over for dinner. It felt great!!

A New Phase

Sept. 2009

Oct.2010

I have started a new phase in my journey to get fit. Phase one started in Sept of 2009.  I weighed over 300 lbs, and felt gross. I decided it was time to get in shape. At that time I had done a number of workouts off and on throughout the last few years. I lost and gained weight. It was time to lose it for good. I decided to take pictures every month to document my journey. Taking pics would also keep me motivated as I saw changes.
Fast forward to Nov. 2010. (AKA Phase Two) I have lost 34 lbs so far. I have posted my progress pics on my facebook page. That wasn't an easy decision, but it does help keep me motivated knowing that others are looking at them!
I am currently consulting with a friend who knows a lot about losing weight and gaining muscle. He is a former bodybuilder and has taken me under his wing. He has completely revamped my diet. I am eagerly tracking my calories consumed, carbs and proteins for the first time. I have a BodyBugg to monitor my calories burned. I must admit that it has been a challenge already changing how I eat. The last two days I have under eaten my calories due to poor planning.
Today I also started a workout/fitness challenge. I actually registered on Tom Venuto's Burn the Fat Inner Circle for his 49 day Holiday Challenge. Tom Venuto is the author of Burn the Fat Feed the Muscle. The Challenge is to transform my body in 49 days. I am shooting for most dramatic transformation. My sister and I wanted a chance to push our selves even more. Now there is no turning back. The "before" pics have been posted. Now I dig in and do the work!