This past week was a really rough week for me. I think some of it was due to continued PMS, my poor hormones are out of whack. I hope it is because I am losing belly fat, which they say secretes hormones. I am not sure of the other reasons. I had a rough weekend at work last weekend, and it felt so good to just relax at home. I only had 2 workouts this week. I struggled with my eating plan. I have felt so blah plus resisting temptation gets old really fast when one couples PMS with added holiday food distractions. It wasn't even sweets that I was craving. I have read that around "that time of the month" a woman really does need to increase her carbs. I don't have real guidence on the issue. My mentor is a man, and I think I scare him just a little when I bring up the topic! My daughter is also on winter break, and in the past we usually go out to Applebee's at least once when she is on break. Unfortunately my scheduled "cheat" day is during the weekend when I am out of town working, so we didn't have that ritual restaurant experience. Is she suffering because of it? No. I do plan to switch my "cheat " day to during the week, so we can go out to eat together during the week. We won't go out every week, but it will be nice to have that option. I will wait until the Holiday Challenge that I am currently participating in is over before changing my days around. I didn't give in to temptation, although yesterday (Saturday) I was over my calories , carbs and fats for the day. I did end up having quite a few servings of walnuts and pecans mixed with semi sweet chocolate chips. My own trail mix blend.
I did feel like I easily irritated. My mentor would send pictures of his meals which often included some form of dessert, or he would write and tell me about what yummy foods he was indulging in at that moment. All the while I am sittinghere trying to hold onto my sanity while resisting temptations. I felt it was insensitive. At the same time, I couldn't really get mad at him because any other time it doesn't bother me when he does that.
I also get frustrated with certain compliments. A favorite saying of my dad is " Sharon is trying to get skinny. Before you know it, she will be getting married." I feel like he is saying that I am not married because of my size. There is no correlation between size and marriage!!! Trust me, there are plenty of men out there that are attracted to bigger women. It is not due to lack of male attention that I am not married. Nor is it related to my size now or in the past. There are several factors that play into the fact that I am single. The main fact being that I enjoy being single! I am not going to gain weight to prove this fact wrong . If and when I get married, it will be because the Lord sends a man into my life at the right moment. As of now, that hasn't happened. It may never happen, and that is fine with me!
The good news is I have continued to lose weight and fat! I am down to 267lbs. I hit the 45lb lost mile stone!! WOO HOO!! My fat percentage has gone down as well. I am happy about that. I do need to get new clothes. I look so frumpy in my scrubs for work. My casual clothes are really baggy as well. Shopping will be a challenge as I am still losing weight, so I don't want to spend tons of money on clothes that will soon be too big.
I am going to have a better week this week!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Smothered Memories
I am excited to have lost 42 lbs and counting. As I work through certain numbers on the scale I revisit some unpleasant memories from my past. Therapists say muscle holds memories, I say fat smothers memories.
The last time I weighed 270lbs, my daughter was 6 months old. I had just got my drivers license reinstated, which is why that is the weight listed on my drivers license. 270lbs was also the last number I remember before the "big blow up" where I gained all the way to 326 lbs. So what memories was I smothering? The memories of an abusive relationship that I walked away from at 0400 one morning in Augus 2002, carrying my 2 1/2 month old infant daughter and whatever possesions fit into my red back pack. I was in Oregon at the time, and I knew my parents were on their way to come pick us up.
In the immediate weeks and months of walking out of that place, my bruises, bones and joints healed . My psyche however remained bruised. I still say that the psychological abuse was the hardest to overcome. The guy, who was supposedly my best friend, loved to tell me that I wasn't really a woman. I was "just Sharon." That was his justification for hitting me. He didn't hit women, but he hit Sharon.Over time, that statement, and others like it took root inside my head, and became the little voice that fed my insecurities.
That was 8 years ago, and I am so thankful that the Lord brought me out of that situation. Yet in trying to cope and deal with life I gained weight. As I lose weight I revisit some of those memories, they just pop up to the surface when I least expect it. I am better able to cope now. I have the strength and mental toughness to dismiss that hideous voice. Part of me has dreaded reaching other weights into the 260's and 250's especially as that is the range I was in when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was very sick , going through the abuse and coping with the fact that the my daughter's "father" had left within hours of finding out that I was pregnant. I won't let these memories keep me from reaching my goals, nor will I attempt to smother them again. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. I know this is all a part of my journey to get fit, and I can only learn and grow from it.
The last time I weighed 270lbs, my daughter was 6 months old. I had just got my drivers license reinstated, which is why that is the weight listed on my drivers license. 270lbs was also the last number I remember before the "big blow up" where I gained all the way to 326 lbs. So what memories was I smothering? The memories of an abusive relationship that I walked away from at 0400 one morning in Augus 2002, carrying my 2 1/2 month old infant daughter and whatever possesions fit into my red back pack. I was in Oregon at the time, and I knew my parents were on their way to come pick us up.
In the immediate weeks and months of walking out of that place, my bruises, bones and joints healed . My psyche however remained bruised. I still say that the psychological abuse was the hardest to overcome. The guy, who was supposedly my best friend, loved to tell me that I wasn't really a woman. I was "just Sharon." That was his justification for hitting me. He didn't hit women, but he hit Sharon.Over time, that statement, and others like it took root inside my head, and became the little voice that fed my insecurities.
That was 8 years ago, and I am so thankful that the Lord brought me out of that situation. Yet in trying to cope and deal with life I gained weight. As I lose weight I revisit some of those memories, they just pop up to the surface when I least expect it. I am better able to cope now. I have the strength and mental toughness to dismiss that hideous voice. Part of me has dreaded reaching other weights into the 260's and 250's especially as that is the range I was in when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was very sick , going through the abuse and coping with the fact that the my daughter's "father" had left within hours of finding out that I was pregnant. I won't let these memories keep me from reaching my goals, nor will I attempt to smother them again. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. I know this is all a part of my journey to get fit, and I can only learn and grow from it.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
My 47 calorie meal
This Monday was my first lower calorie day in my new eating plan. My goal was to eat 1,200 cals for the whole day. I hadn't really planned for it. I just did it, so by dinner time I only had 47 calories left. I was bound and determined not to go over. I did some thinking, then tapped into my favorite app, MyFitnessPal mobile app. I ended up with a delicious and filing dinner for only 47 calories. I had 2 egg whites which I did season. I put in a serving (20) slices of jalapeno from a jar, and topped it off with 2 tbs of salsa. I enjoyed every bite!
I was so proud of myself! I am getting the hang of tracking and figuring out my meals. Since I have changed how I eat I feel more focused. I have tons more energy to the point that it is sometimes difficult to sleep, but I will get past that. My mind feels clearer. I am loving the changes in my body. All of those things combined increased my determination to crush this holiday challenge and to see how far I can go towards my other goals. It isn't simply a "diet" it is a lifestyle change.
I was so proud of myself! I am getting the hang of tracking and figuring out my meals. Since I have changed how I eat I feel more focused. I have tons more energy to the point that it is sometimes difficult to sleep, but I will get past that. My mind feels clearer. I am loving the changes in my body. All of those things combined increased my determination to crush this holiday challenge and to see how far I can go towards my other goals. It isn't simply a "diet" it is a lifestyle change.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Week 1 Results for Holiday Challenge
Thursday marked the end of week 1 of the holiday challenge . I lost 3.6 lbs. I am happy that I am off to a great start. My friend John has given me a lot of advice about my workouts and revamping my whole diet. I had the most intense workouts today and really burned a lot of calories. I am tired.
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